My Journey to Healing

So that night I am released from the hospital and we get the pain killers, get into the hotel. I don't remember every detail. The anesthesia was very powerful. My blood pressure always gives me issues. Instead of going up due to stress, it drops and goes low.

 The hotel suite was beautiful. Livingroom, soaker tub in the bedroom. Dean was so tired, but he never failed to take care of me.

The Saint John Extra Mural visit the next morning before I can be released to go home. Then Sussex Extra Mural do home visits to clean my chest wound, drain exit area and wound from where they took out some nodes under my arm pit. Getting such a fresh wound area cleaned in such a sensitive area is nauseating. I miss my freedom already. Such a long winter, had lots of plans for this summer and fall...but such is life, I cannot dwell on "why me", why not me?

I spend part of the days feeling so good, sore throat, headache, over all achy. Not sure if it is the shock to my body or the painkillers. Of course as a mother my main concern is that life for the kids is stable.

Back to the beginning

This is where my journey begins. In the spring of 2014 I feel a lump in my left breast near my nipple. I do self exams due to my late neighbour Cindy hunt that found cancer several times by doing this, unfortunately she lost the battle in 2008 after 3 years of fighting. It ended up going to her brain. She left behind her 4 young children. So in 2008 I started to self exams- found lumps but was told I have fibrous beasts and many lumps- these ones where just nothing. Fast forward to 2014. The lump I felt was big and when at the gym when I was doing chest presses and could really feel the pressure in my chest. I waiting 2 months to make sure it didn't change with my cycles. It didn't. Off to the doctor on April 24. He said better get it checked out but doesn't feel irregular. Then off to the breast clinic at st. Josephs on May 7 th. Went to get a mammogram and always get followed up my an ultrasound due to breast density. While in the ultrasound room the doctor asked my if the lump had gotten smaller cause it had a hard top on it which was a sign that it could be going away. I said no- he said you should probably get a biopsy- we can do it now to save you a trip back. I said sure...go to next photo...

Left Breast Core biopsy

So now I am laying on the table in the ultrasound room. They stick needles into my left breast to freeze it. Then comes the core needle biopsy using an ultrasound machine to guide the doctor to the tumour. The tumour is on the right side of my nipple- they insert a fine hollow tube into my right side and go threw that way. Then a large snap sound happens to suck a piece of tumour into the tube. I am not going to lie- this was painful and scary. I hope I never have to have one again! So after I was done they made me another appointment at the breast clinic but tell me no matter what the results I have to make it to this appointment and the appointment with my family doctor who will get the results first and call me in. It seemed like time went really slowly after that. I was 90% sure it wouldn't be cancer. I had big plans for 2014- volunteering at the food bank, online courses, traveling...I was on track with  eating healthy, I was going to the gym, walking, swimming...at the same time I was dealing with James broken arm and getting him assessed for a learning disability. After my biopsy we had to go talk to James doctor for our initial meeting. Trying to keep my mind focused. It was definitely  a time of changes...how much change I couldn't of guessed....

Results

So at this point I have had a biopsy, not sure what was going on. After the weekend I get a call Monday May 12 to go see my family doctor in a few days, may 15th to discuss the biopsy results. That was fast I thought, I never get in that quickly I thought to myself.  The day after I got the family doctor call we had to take James to see his doctor for his learning assessment - we decided to spend the rest of the day just the 3 of us. Dean, James and I at James favorite place in Saint John, Martello tower. It was a really nice afternoon, but a little tinge of concern was in my heart. My husband Dean was scheduled to go back overseas to work his regular schedule of 1 month away/3 weeks home. So he was home and we get to the doctors for 9am, strange I thought, the secretary wouldn't look at me when she talked, she always did before...Dean and I go in and my doctor comes in and looks over the results. He said " unfortunately the results came back at positive for cancer". I was honestly waiting for him to say "kidding!!". He said you probably won't hear anything I am going to say to you now after hearing what I just told you. My husband held onto me and was weeping. I was in shock! Like really? Cancer? Me? My doctor said I would get a call from the breast clinic again to go talk to the breast surgeon. Now I was left with who do I call first, I have to tell my family, my friends, my CHILDREN!!! Things were suddenly moving very fast... 

The Masectomy

June 16 Monday - went to Kathy Woodhouse for more details on the what will happen around the time of the operation. The Delta Hotel chain offers breast cancer patients a night post op at the hotel free of charge. Its is called "Delta Oasis Program". Delta Brunswick Hotel in Saint John offers out of town patients a free hotel room as they should stay very close to the hospital for 24 hours after a mastectomy/ lumpectomy. It includes a free room for 2, dinner and breakfast for 2,and  valet parking. Extra Mural nurses(registered nurses that come to your home or out of hospital location for patient care) come and visit the next morning before you can be released.The discussion of the drain tube and pump occurred- gross! This freaked me out more than the operation! How much fluid needs to be in there, the chart I had to write down the amounts, how much Extra Mural would be coming to clean around the wounds etc. You end up with a large cut on your chest, a few inches cut under your arm to do  the sentinel lymph node biopsy  and a round cut on your side where the chest drain goes in through your ribs into the chest close to the sternum.You have many Nodes under your arms near your armpit I think as  many as 50. As few as 1-6 nodes are the first to receive drainage from your the area where your breast tumour is.

After my appointment with Kathy, I went to see Andrea, the physiotherapist. When you get a breast cut off your chest many nerves are taken with it and maybe muscle. This all effects you shoulder and arm movement after surgery. If you do not move your arm and exercise it you can get a frozen shoulder.At this appointment you are given a compression bra.

You need access at the front for bandage changing/wound cleaning and it is very binding. This is to help keep swelling down. When you get lymph nodes removed the lymphatic fluid has to reorganise its self because flow is interrupted. You have to be very careful not to get cuts or burns on this arm because of the risk of infection. " When lymph nodes are removed, lymph vessels that carry fluid from the arm to the rest of the body are also removed because they route through and are wrapped around the nodes. Removing lymph nodes and vessels changes the flow of lymph fluid in that side of the upper body. This makes it harder for fluid in the chest, breast, and arm to flow out of these areas. If the remaining lymph vessels cannot drain enough fluid from these areas, the excess fluid builds up and causes swelling, or lymphedema" See pic below- there is no cure for this once it happens. Sometimes you will see women wearing compression wraps on there arms to try to reduce the swelling.

My Mastectomy is booked for Thursday June 19th, Dean arrived home the day before. Everyone was relieved to be home together again, even though I was exhausted from so many appointments and Dean from so much travel and work. This kids went to one of my close friend and neighbour overnight and had a full day of activities to do.

Every step is just one thing you concentrate on and pray for. You cannot think to far ahead. Just get through the next step and consider it a victory. Mine was to get through the pre-op wait, then the operation, then to get out of the hospital to the hotel and then home.  

My appointment started at 12 noon. You get a pre-admission work up, blood work, It takes one hour for the surgery, a few hours post anaesthesia. .They check the sentinel nodes and do a biopsy and decide if a few are clear or if many have to be taken out because they find cancer there. Waiting is very hard. You have to focus on other things and not your fear, as you don't really know what will happen once they run the tests and open up your breast. I tried to focus on nature, trees, the wind, rivers. Finally I got into the actual surgery room. I remembering laying down, there was a bunch of nurses and my surgeon Dr.Scarth. They put 2 needles through my breast to place radioactive fluid into my chest so the doc can trace it to see where the fluid goes to check for cancer with a radioactive detector- it hurt so much- I don't understand why they don't do that after you go to sleep! They put the IV in and then put a mask on your face.After you are under, they inject blue die into your breast so that it will be easier to see your sentinel nodes during surgery.

The mask was  the last thing I remember. I woke up on the 3rd floor in recovery. The nurse said to me that Dr.Scarth wanted to make sure I knew that my nodes were clear of cancer. After a while I remember Scarth coming in smiling face telling me the same thing and that surgery went well and my iron was low so I was going to be extra tired. I remember they asked me if I was hungry and I said yes. A nurse named Brenda made me toast, I was so high I was eating it like I hadn't eaten in years and I said "this is the best toast I have ever had in my life!"as I stuffed it into my mouth lol! 

Before you can be let go they have to take you for a walk, check your vitals etc. The whole time I was walking around the ward I saw stars floating around my head- I felt light headed but my body felt heavy. I tried to fake feeling great. I got the clear to leave. Dean went ahead to get the truck, and the nurse took me to outside the hospital lobby. By the time we went down the elevator and the wobble hallways, I was truly ready to puke! So puke I did in the garbage can outside. Knowing this potential I couldn't believe the nurse did not carry barf bucket, bag or tissue paper. It was dark out and raining. Finally we were on our way to the Delta, but first we had to do pick up my pain killers, the hospital doesn't give you them to take with you. So we had to find a pharmacy, that was open. Ugh!!

Telling the kids

That day and night that we found out we called family and friends and I also went to the kids school to tell the principal my diagnosis and that the kids would not be going to school the next day. I had to pm my oldest son because he lives and works out in BC.  Unfortunately he was at work but took a break to talk to me on the phone. He is an introverted young man. Doesn't like to blubber about his fears or tears. Even though I haven't lived with him in years and we don't phone each other, I know my first born enough to know the tone in his voice. It is comforting to know that is in his 20's, had a nice girlfriend, works and is enjoying life. I don't know how I would of felt if it was still just him and I and he were little again. That would of been awful. But here I am married to his step father, and we have 2 young children. Sarah 10 and James 11. We acted as normal as we could and decided that the next day, Friday was going to be a day off if school, a day for just the 4 of us. I felt like I tornado had hit me, I felt so low but almost in zombie mode to get through the day. We sat at the dining room table and told them. They burst out in tears. It was so awful. We decided to go for an adventure that day and drive up riverside Albert. Was nice to stop in little villages and beaches along the way. Dean was still trying to figure out if my appointment with the surgeon the week coming was for chemo or a lumpectomy. We were so inexperienced and had no idea what was going on. The doctors are very careful in the beginning about what and how much they tell you. So dean had called the surgeon Dr. Scarth to try to find out his fast things were going to go because he had to leave Monday for a month. The secretary told him she would find out and call back. When she did call back I answered the cell phone- as Dean was driving. It was the doctor himself. He said yes it is cancer and you have to come in to go over the results more and " there are a few spots on your right breast that we are concerned about, so you have to come in and get more tests". Up until this point I hadn't lost it in front of my kids, well now I was crying quite hard. We were on a country road just up from Cape Enrage beach and Dean pulled over to get me out of the truck.

Getting over the shock

I was so upset after we got the call that I could maybe have cancer in my other breast. I didn't know all the in's and out's of breast cancer, but I knew that was a very very bad sign. I didn't want Dean to go to work, please don't leave me! All I knew at this point was going over results, getting a right breast mammogram and ultrasound and maybe a core biopsy AGAIN! I kept getting phone calls for appointments: DR.Scrath results Tuesday, May 20th, Mammogram Tuesday May 21. As the weekend progressed towards Monday(deans departure date), I was very sad and really in shock. I started to push the fear back into my mind and went into survival mode. Dean has to go to work, I will have days without him, like I have before. I have gone through 10 years of fibromyalgia, had a miscarriage alone, been up all night with a baby and a toddler alone, been a lonely only child, lived on my own for years...I can do THIS!! I am not really ALONE!! God is with me, my friends, family, my children...So Monday came and we got Dean back to work. James was extra loving and this was the day that I noticed Sarah was protecting her own heart...Dean, my best friend, my heart was there emotionally every step, letting me rest, feeding the kids, doing dishes, telling me we have to have faith, praying over me and telling me how grateful he was for me.To trust each other the way we do is so priceless.